Ten Things We’ve Learned From Resident Evil

Whoever said that videogames didn’t teach us anything important? Aside from the movie Zombieland, we’ve never had a better guide of what to do and what NOT to do in case of the zombie apocalypse than the Resident Evil videogame franchise.  I’ve tossed together ten of the better little snippets of wisdom that we all should carry with us at all times. These are in no real particular order.

 Wearing sunglasses inside, and even in the dark, is awesome.

Albert Wesker must have been a huge Corey Hart fan back in the 1980’s as he seems to take one of his signature fashion stylings from the song Sunglasses at Night. No matter how dark it is, no matter how cold, snowy, rainy or otherwise gloomy it is Wesker is always there wearing his shades. One can surmise that either Wesker has some uber-sensitive peepers or he likes to trip over things.                   

You can heal by mashing potted plants together

All those times that I’ve had a headache and didn’t have a few Ibuprofen laying around, I should have known that mashing random herbs together would heal me much better than any miracle drug. It’s good that Raccoon city must have instituted a law making it mandatory to pile potted plants full of this miracle herb all around public areas just in case.

An overly convoluted security system is probably not the best idea

Are you too cheap to afford an actual security alarm? Taking a page from Resident Evil may be right for you in these harsh economic times. Let’s say a burglar wants to steal your stereo, he first has to find three exotic jewels to open a cast iron gargoyle door. Behind this door is a piano that has to have exactly the right keys played to release another key, but to where you might ask? Crap, that burglar just broke you window anyways, better luck next time cheapskate.

Knives suck

In any Resident Evil game, a knife might look like a great idea. “Sweet I can conserve precious ammo!” you might be saying to yourself, but that quiet smugness soon turns to blood curdling anger as you realize just how hard it is to kill a lumbering flesh pile with a Swiss army knife. Swing after swing, and nothing happens. Settle down Rambo, I’m sure there is a gun lying around you can use.   

If in trouble, look out for a creepy guy selling stuff out of his trench coat, he’s legit

For years we were told not to talk to strangers, especially those that try to offer us things such as items from a large overcoat. In a small Spanish town, however, this logic is turned on its head because these is exactly the ONLY guy you can trust. So you never know kids next time a van pulls up with “Free CanDy” scrawled on the outside, take the chance, you never know when you may need it. 

According to Barry, firearms are very effective against living things.

“I’ve got this! It’s really powerful, especially against living things!”

–Barry Burton

Thanks Barry, Jill would have never figured that out as a TRAINED POLICE OFFICER.

If you are trying to escape the zombie apocalypse you will always end up with an annoying tag-along

LEON! HELP LEON! LEOOOON!

No matter the severity of the zombie insurrection you may be knee deep in, be prepared for the obligatory tag-along character that you’re going to have to monitor at all times. First there was Sherry in Resident Evil 2 and later Ashley in Resident Evil 4, both of which should have become zombie chow for the sheer amount of stressed caused on the playable character

If the bathroom stall is closed, don’t open it, there’s probably a zombie in there.

I feel that Rule #3 from Zombieland applies to Resident Evil just as well as it did in the movie. “Beware of Bathrooms” is about the wisest advice for the person trying to avoid becoming the main course in some scary building.  I mean why would you need to go in there? If you have to pee, pee on one of those potted plants lying around, just make sure to label it as such. If you have to do anything else…well that’s what pants are for.        

All power plants have at least one badass weapon

I like how we have seen through the lens of Resident Evil that any power plant, manufacturing warehouse, scientific facility or otherwise huge building has to come with at least one stock military grade super weapon. Whether it be a grenade launcher or a Gatling gun, you just know it’s there, just in case you need it.

If you hear the sound of a chainsaw get the hell out of there

I don’t care if it’s the middle of a sunny day and birds are chirping, if you hear the distant sound of ANYTHING that sounds like a chainsaw GET THE HELL OUTTA THERE! Even if it’s just your neighbor trimming their hedges, it’s better not to take the chance, plus you probably need to work on cardio anyway. 

Note: This is a slightly edited version of an article I posted on a now-defunct gaming website called Gamrfeed (in around 2010) that I wrote, as with some of this videogame-related stuff I am posting it again to preserve it. I always figure that some of this could be of some value to my new readers.

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